Within Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex is on the same physiological level as food, water and sleep, yet sex frequently gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list.
The good news is that your lackluster libido isn’t a life sentence—better sex is just around the corner. You can improve your satisfaction, your connection to your partner and your overall well-being. If you can change your priorities and make a commitment to have better sex, then you’re in for the ride of your life.
Sex Talk Tips
Your sexual desires will change over time for a variety of reasons, and something that worked at the beginning of your relationship may not float your respective boats any longer.
This rang true for Kathy Markson, a new mom in her twenties. With a young child at home and her husband at work during the day, she realized that her sex life was in trouble. “My sex drive seemed fine until I realized my husband and I had been living separate lives,” Kathy says. “Then I started feeling pretty resentful. I was stuck at home, and he was still living as if nothing in his world had changed.”
Here, it’s all about opening the lines of communication. Find out what your partner needs and explain what you need to do to improve your time in the sack. “Your attention is the most seductive thing you have,” says Paget.
One way to show this attention is to explain to your partner that you want to make him or her happy, and not anyone else. “You could say, ‘I had a fantasy about you tying me up, or me tying you up or using this kind of vibrator or sex toy.’ If you can, be more open about your turn-ons and what turns your partner on,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., AOL’s love and sex coach and author of Sex Detox: Recharge Desire. Revitalize Intimacy. Rejuvenate Your Love Life.
Kathy admits that talking about sex with her husband was not on the top of her list of solutions, but she initiated a date night once a week to help improve their connection to each other. “I realized I desperately needed time with my husband, not just on the couch in front of the TV after we’ve put our baby to bed,” she says.
Just Do It!
Experimentation is key during this period of growth. With so many options out there, where do you begin? Paget suggests starting off slowly. “No one really knows what’s going to work for everyone else’s nerve system. My suggestion is to collect a number of ideas, like a buffet of ideas, and try one.”
As for sexual styles, tantric-style sex has become a very popular method. Popularized by rocker Sting and his wife, Trudie Styler, tantra is a slow, meditative, spiritual practice that can often lead to multiple orgasms for both partners. The key is to make the mental connection to your partner. “Our mind is our biggest sex organ,” Kerner adds. “You can’t pleasure anybody’s body if you’re not connected to their mind in any way.”
Another sexy tip is to bring sex toys into the bedroom, such as vibrators. But, again, be sensitive about your partner’s reception to these tools.
Better Sex Rewards
Putting her marriage first and making time for her husband helped Kathy enjoy a more frequent and enjoyable sex life. And a new, healthy sex life comes with many benefits; you may start to feel better about your body and your daily anxieties may begin to wane.
“I absolutely can handle more stress when things are going well in our bedroom,” Kathy says. “It’s like getting a massage on a regular basis. I’m dealing with the latest household problem with a more relaxed attitude and that’s such a refreshing thing.”
This new healthy and active sex life will benefit more than just your libido. “The experience of orgasm is the original aerobic exercise,” says Dodson. “It gets us into deep breathing, which exercises the heart, gets the blood flowing and muscles flexing while it also quiets the mind. Having one or more orgasms every day is the natural sleeping pill, anti-depressant or mood altering drug.”
All of these happy side effects will help you maintain your new, satisfying and thrilling sex life long after the first 30 days are behind you.